To Watch Her
by Hidon
Summary: A/O pairing. Alex looks at Olivia through new eyes. What she sees brings her want and pain.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Untitled (thus far)

**Show:** Law and Order: SVU

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** I'm going to explore all that could have been at the beginning of their relationship. The show never had Olivia and Alex get to know anything personal about one another including the issues with Liv's mother and father. She tells Huang and Casey but not our ADA? Please.

**Setting:** I have it set in season 3/4 but it doesn't particularly matter. "Loss" never happened. This is a "first time" fic.

**Special thanks:** To my beta, BeurreBlanc.

--

"It's not enough."

"Olivia, 15 years is the max he could get on one count." I sounded defensive.

"I'm not blaming you, Alex. I know. It's just not enough. How many other boys did that man brutalize before we caught him? And he'll be out in half that time on good behavior. There are no children to molest where he's going."

"Petrovsky gave him the max. The max is what he deserved."

"He deserves death." She whispered it so softly, like a child's prayer.

It unnerved me. I had only known this woman a year and yet everything she said, I wanted to grab onto with both hands and pull into myself. I wanted to hold her to me. But I was desperately afraid of her.

"He could find it in prison." I felt guilty comforting her with this but my heart ached when she was silent.

She leaned against her desk and scoffed, "Let's hope."

Vindictiveness wasn't in Olivia's nature. I knew she wasn't thinking about the perp. She never did. Her mind was always, always with his victim.

_She'd held the boy for what seemed like hours. I stayed and watched her behind the glass long after Cragen and Huang left. She sat with him in that kids' interview room with its incomplete puzzles and anatomically correct dolls. I felt guilty staring--like I was watching something private. He cried so hard and she held his pieces together; six years old and destroyed._

"_It's gonna be okay, sweetie." She shushed him._

_I hugged myself and tried to think about what I should include in the warrant but I couldn't hold onto my thoughts with her in there like that. I wanted to help her. _

_I've never been good with kids. Not like her. But I wanted to take some of his pain. You don't have to take it all, Liv._

"_Counselor."_

_I smoothed out my jacket, "Captain."_

"_You got enough for a warrant?"_

"_Gimme twenty minutes."_

_I strode out of the room but not before a last look at Detective Benson. The boy was curled up against her. And she only shook slightly with the impact of his beating, breaking heart. _

"Liv, you look like hell. Go home and crash."

"Thanks, El."

He could always make her smile and although childish, I always felt jealous when he did. I had no idea why. She was my colleague for Christ's sake.

"Yeah, I guess I'd better. I have 20 minutes of dodging creeps on the subway to look forward to first."

And then it happened. And I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth, "I'll go with you."

The entire squad just stared.

"I was going to catch the 2 o' clock train." No. No, I wasn't. I was going to hail a thirty dollar cab that would take me to the Upper East Side.

Fin didn't bother masking his laughter and Munch dove right in, "Miss Kennedy-Cabot takes the A train?"

"Of course I...what kind of a...I grew up in the city." But I couldn't lie. I'd always been terrible at it. I remembered taking the subway once. I got on the wrong line and ended up in Queens where I called my sister, crying.

"Ease up, guys. You can walk with me if you'd like, Alex."

Why am I lying about public transportation to be near her? I'm being ridiculous. We're colleagues. Friends would even be stretching it. I just wanna know that she's okay.

I smoothed out my skirt and tucked my hair behind my ear, painfully aware I was being watched. She half-smiled and started for the door. Her swagger beat my jog.

There was almost no one at the subway station that late but I still clutched my purse and briefcase tight against my chest. She noticed and was polite enough to smile in the opposite direction.

"It's okay, Al, I'll protect you." She chuckled.

Al. She gave me a nickname. I have a nickname.

"Sorry, does that make you think of Al Bundy?"

"Who's he?"

"Never mind.

"Oh, okay. No, that's fine." I tried to laugh. Who the hell is Al Bundy?

"The train should be here any minute so this'll all be over soon, Cabot."

I wanted her to call me Al again, "Really, it's okay."

I'd worked with Olivia a while now but I'd never been able to appreciate her outside of work. Even under the dim flicker of the tunnels she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her hip, always cocked to one side; her gun side. Her head bowed in a humility that belied the strength of her shoulders. I wanted to brush the hair out of her eyes. Black eyes that grew darker. They were fixed on something and her whole body was at attention.

"What's wrong?" I was afraid to turn around.

She didn't answer. I carefully turned my head around and saw nothing but a pigeon.

"Olivia—"

"Look." She pointed at it.

So I stared. A few seconds went by until I saw what was wrong. The pigeon was bouncing up and down on one leg. His left one was gone.

"Poor little guy..." She looked distraught.

"He's a uni-ped." As it left my mouth I immediately felt guilty but she didn't seem to notice as she strode toward a snack vendor near the stairs.

She conversed with the "Snack-Man", as his cart so bombastically called him, every once in a while looking back to check on the bird. By the looks of Snack-Man's wild hand motions and the sounds of her sighs, I knew English wasn't his native language.

Feeling useless, I tried to corral the pigeon into staying in one place. I looked down at him and for a minute saw what she had seen; his remaining leg looked swollen and strained from carrying all of his weight, and he had no sense of balance so he couldn't fly. His beady eyes betrayed a hopelessness that I couldn't handle.

"YO QUIERO CRACKERS!"

I looked up and smiled at her plunking down five bucks and seizing a bag of Ritz.

She strode over to the bird and crouched down, popping them open. One by one, she carefully crushed them between her fingers and sprinkled them in front of the sad creature. He hopped over, grateful for her food. Grateful, I thought, to know her kindness.

"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag." I hummed the old song.

She looked at me, puzzled.

"You've never seen _Mary Poppins_? Tuppence a bag?"

She blinked, "And you've never seen _Married with Children_."

She did me the courtesy of laughing at my Julie Andrew's impression anyway, but her eyes darted immediately back to the bird. I As I looked at her I was both amazed and stricken by her tenderness towards the little thing.

"Olivia, you can't take it home with y—"

"I know." She laughed unhappily. "Jesus."

"It's okay." I touched her arm and she flinched. "I'm sorry." I stepped away from her.

"No, no, no it's me. I'm just jumpy after work."

"You never really go home do you, Liv?"

Her head snapped up and she bore her eyes into mine. I held her gaze. I wouldn't back down because it was the truth. She was the first to look down. And that unhappy laugh again, "I guess you're right, counselor."

All at once I was desperate to stay with her. I never wanted the train to come. So I chose my words carefully, "Come have a drink with me?"

"It's two in the morning, Alex." But I could hear in her voice that it wouldn't take long to convince her.

"When you get home, would you sleep?"

Again she stared me down and again I didn't relent.

"No."

"Come." I already started to move towards the stairs up to the surface. She followed me, but not before throwing a sad glance at her one-legged pigeon, still pecking away at her kindness.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Untitled (thus far)

Title: Untitled (thus far)

Show: Law and Order: SVU

Pairing: Alex/Olivia

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: I'm going to explore all that could have been at the beginning of their relationship. The show never had Olivia and Alex get to know anything personal about one another including the issues with Liv's mother and father. She tells Huang and Casey but not our ADA? Please.

Setting: I have it set in season 3/4 but it doesn't particularly matter. "Loss" never happened. This is a "first time" fic.

Special thanks: To my beta, BeurreBlanc.

--

UNTITLED PT 2

"I don't think I've ever felt so safe walking the city at 2 am before. It's nice to have a police escort."

"You mean your parents didn't spring for one of those when you were a kid?"

I turned my head, slowly, in her direction.

"Cheap shot. I apologize." She laughed to herself.

"You don't know a lot about me, detective."

"I can't argue with that." Was that a drop in her voice? No. I'm being ridiculous. But all at once, I wanted to tell her everything. How I threw up after looking at the crime scene photos of our first case. How I pace when I'm nervous and run when I'm angry. How since the moment I saw her I've wanted to—

"You've never come out with me and the guys to celebrate after a case."

"Huh?"

"After we win a case, Alex, you never go to Meloni's with us."

"Oh."

She waited patiently for more of an explanation.

"I guess even when we win; there isn't usually a lot to celebrate." Actually, Olivia, I'm terrified to be near you in a social setting where there's liquor and loneliness.

"Alex!" It all happened at once. I started to fall forward. She grabbed my torso and pulled me into her body so the back of my head rested on her chest.

I tilted my head up to look at her, "What the—?" She was chuckling.

I wanted to get mad but I could feel her heartbeat against my shoulder blade and she was really laughing now. I'd never seen her like that. She motioned to the space in front of where I was walking. There was a gouge in the cement at least a foot deep.

"What kind of a hell-hole city do we live in?! There are potholes on the sidewalk for Christ's sake!" But I giggled because she seemed happy and I was in her arms. Wait. My hands were stretched across her stomach gripping onto her shirt and her arms held me tight around my waist. We stopped laughing.

"Are you okay?" For once, that sentence didn't sound genuine as she quickly stood me upright and backed away from me.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

Olivia turned away from me and shot her cop-glare up and down the street pretending to look for something.

I knew I would have to be the first to talk. "Is the coast clear?"

She turned around and cocked her eyebrow. I smirked and she smiled back. I could watch her all day.

"You never know, counselor."

"Hmm…" I tapped my spikes against the pavement, "I hope I didn't break a heel."

"That's all right, Al. I could just carry you. It might save us both some time."

Dumbstruck, I stared at her. Say something! "Yeah. Ha." Jesus, Alex.

"Come one, it's just after the intersection." She walked on.

Heady with smoke and body heat, Meloni's was definitely a dive. She gently took my wrist and led me past the drunken cops at the sports bar to a quiet corner booth.

"Sorry about them." Some of the men grunted salutations and raised their pints towards us, slopping beer on the floor.

"Not a problem." I looked for something to read. Something to hide my face behind. "Where are the menus?" After it came out of my mouth I couldn't believe I'd said it with a straight face.

"Alex, this place isn't exactly—"

"I know. Sorry. Dumb question."

"Most people just come here to—"

"Yeah."

"—get hammered and go home with someone."

I would've thought it benign if she wasn't looking at me like that. "Yeah." I burrowed into my purse for something to occupy myself.

She watched me. "Pick your poison."

"Pick my poison…" I whispered, trying to make sense of the words. "Oh. Martini, dry."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"What's that supposed to mean? What do you like?"

She studied me for a minute. "Sex on the Beach."

The lipstick popped out of my hand and clattered to the floor. I dove under the dank protection of the table.

"Kidding. I'm kidding, Alex. Come back." She ducked her head down and smiled at me, half-kneeling on the floor.

I held the plastic tube up. "Lipstick."

She cocked her head to the side. With everything she did, she left me so utterly dismantled.

As I tried to sit up I bumped my head, "Son of a bitch."

"I'm gonna tell you this as a friend." She put her hands over mine, "You need to get out more."

"You sound like my mother." She could sound like Señor Snack-Man for all I cared I just didn't want her to move her hands.

"I'm gonna go order up." She drew away.

"Sounds good." Please, don't leave me.

I was still on my first drink when Olivia was deep into her third round of tequila shooters.

"Wow. You're a champ."

She arched her back and stretched her arms behind her head. Her eyes were shut so I swept mine over her body. Ever the lightweight, vodka already had control of my better angels.

"Yeah, well, I've learned from the best."

The bitterness in her voice made me stop mid-sip. Noticing my concern, she forced a laugh.

I wouldn't let her get away with it, though. "Liv—"

"Your phone's ringing."

And so it was. Let it ring. "What did you mean by that?" I whispered it, hoping that would make the question less intrusive. I wanted to hurt anyone who'd ever brought her harm.

"I don't think he's giving up on you."

The ringing was unrelenting. "Damn it, I'm sorry." I checked the caller ID. Trevor.

She rose swiftly from the table and looked down at my phone. "I guess you don't sleep either. G' night, counselor."

Before I could move she had walked on.


End file.
